Saturday, September 29, 2012

Long-distance relationship

Andrew and I
My boyfriend is great. He is so good to me. He texts me in the morning and says I'm beautiful and gorgeous. He calls me every day, often after work and then again before bed. He's not afraid to say "I love you" on the phone even when surrounded by his soccer buddies. (That freaks me out more than him.)

But there are a few times when he calls that I don't pick up. I don't want to talk. Talking just makes our dysfunctional relationship a reality. It's easier to hide behind texts. We've been dating for almost a year and a half, but only six weeks of that have we lived in the same state.

I don't want to talk because it tells me the obvious---that I don't know anything.

Sometimes, when he calls...
  • I don't want to go through the obligatory, "How was your day?" question and answer session
  • I don't want to go through the awkward silences as we're both doing something else while on the phone
  • I don't want to have to ask, "What? What??" when I can't hear him because a bus is driving by or I'm witnessing a car accident while walking home
  • I don't want him to repeatedly say, "I've gotta go, can I call you back?" because he's working his second job or going to class
But more importantly,
  • I don't know when I'll see him again
  • I don't know his daily routines
  • I don't know what makes his eyes light up on a low-key Sunday afternoon
  • I don't know what he likes in his coffee or his favorite breakfast food
  • I don't know his body language when it has been a good day or even an especially bad day
  • I don't know his true hopes and dreams. You know, the ones that we keep well hidden and are revealed bit by bit over time
  • I don't know if I can ever come back to Colorado and not cry (maybe if that happens, I'll be ready to move)
  • I don't know the future for us
But despite all of this.... despite the difficulty of long-distance.... I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. And that's what it really comes down to.

So, for now, shhhhhhh. Let's not talk about it.

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